Friday, January 31, 2014

Run, Lola Run: Everyone you know is participating in a triathalon.

I've always referred to Facebook as the Human Best in Show. This site is a great catalyst for suicide if you are at all contending with life's downs, when it's apparent that everyone in your online energy field is on a major upswing.  

It has taken me some time to do so, but I've finally made peace with the onslaught of daily imagery clearly indicating that both you and your partner's reproductive systems are operating at optimal levels.  Believe me, no one has ever caught a seven-month old drooling at that angle before with such precision. And though I can appreciate these photographic landmarks now,  let me be the first to admit that some of the vacation shots are hard to digest.  As someone who used to travel/vacation frequently but is now suffering from a prolonged bout of BrokeHo-itis,  the days I wake up and see you and the object of your desire/impending divorce skipping along the sands of Antigua make me want to shoot you in the face point blank.  But far worse than any of this baby-making and Bahama-baking is the revolution of the fucking road race

When I say that everyone and their mother is now participating in some form of endurance running, I ain't shitting. From 5Ks to triathalons to mud races and color runs, good Lord are you people making me feel like a degenerate shit-bag.  

The best part is every_one is doing this shit.  People who I thought were still incarcerated are showing up on my newsfeed covered in mud mid-hurdle wearing a non-penitentiary issued number on their back.  Shit is amazing.  Most days I hop on my MacBook, check Facebook, and think I've been redirected to an American Gladiators tribute site.  When the Christ do you people have the time to engage in these Double Dare physical challenges? I'm lucky if I can catch a train, subject myself to combat pay, and get out with enough time to provide my cats with the appropriate means to shit in a fucking box.  

Pardon my ignorance, but is your life going so well you actually have time to not only participate in, but prepare and train for, these kinds of events?  And if this is in fact the case, would you perhaps consider a career as a life coach and can I be your first client? Most people I know are at odds with trying to pay their rent/mortgage, buy their kids Christmas presents in the face of poverty, get their loser ex to pay child support, keep their phone on for another 2 days, drive their car with 3 tires and a donut through a blizzard, and/or kill their mother-in-law while evading a homicide charge.  Then there's you people For a period of time I actually thought I was envious of everyone involved in this high energy lusting for life; now I realize that it was just agita.  Seriously though, these self-imposed endurance challenges seem like the cocktail hour before St. Peter high fives you into the pearly gates.  And some of you take this shit way too seriously. Not for nothing, no one wants to look at action shots of you covered in dirt making constipation-like faces as you tear up a literal adult playground in a purely recreational capacity and then act like you just came back from 'Nam. Over it.