Sunday, July 14, 2013

Pussy Whipped

If you're a woman who has ever felt inadequate after being branded a 'cat lady,' allow me to quickly break down the top ten reasons why you're actually in a better position than the majority of your child-bearing peers.


1. Cats don't breast feed.

Not having to allocate funds for a quality breast lift after your child has wreaked havoc on the physical assets that probably led to his conception in the first place, is a financial contribution even your 401K can't match. The next time you catch your cat drinking out of the toilet, take some time to admire the quality of your funbags in your bathroom mirror.


2. Cats don't wear diapers.

When it comes to the defecation game, cats are winning - paws down. Not only is cat litter significantly cheaper than diapers, potty-training is essentially non-existent. When you consider the labor-intensive process of getting your child to make nice with the porcelain throne, you've added years to your life. Sure, cats are capable of the occasional 'accident,' but this is usually a purposeful act to remind you that you're a dick. Hey, who doesn't need their ego checked periodically? Bottom line: the last time you had to bribe your cat with a Barbie to go shit in a box was never.


What the hell is a diaper?

3. Cats don't wear clothes. 

Unless your child suffers from dwarfism, their physical development loosely translates to a series of rapidly outgrown shopping sprees. If you think your checking account is getting raped during their formative years, wait until they reach tween status and they suddenly develop standards for their aesthetic. Cats aren't going to threaten you with emancipation if you don't buy them $200 sneakers.


4. Cats can't tell you that they hate you.

The day your child utters their first word is a time of intense joy for most parents. Fast forward eleven years to your kid locked in the bathroom screaming about how much of an asshole you are because you won't let her wear eyeliner to school. On my cat's worst day he's said 'meow.' Also to his credit, never having demanded Justin Bieber tickets.

5. Cats don't play soccer, dance ballet, or play piano. 

There will come a time in a parent's life where their entire existence revolves around a career they've come to loathe, and their child's extracurricular activities. Pay close attention to the aforementioned symbiotic relationship. Unless your child is a budding Pele, Pierina Legani, or Chopin, ultimately this is an enormous waste of till and time. My cats have nonchalantly walked across piano keys and produced better melodies than second year piano students. Not to mention, without any formal training, required equipment, or financial investment, cats will independently master their most favorite pastime: sleeping.


6. Cats don't do drugs.

Every parent fears that one day their beloved child will trade in their baseball for an 8 ball. Barring the possible experimentation with catnip, cat moms don't have to worry that their cat is going to trade in their favorite mouse for MDMA. This is a major victory in today's society. Drug use is rampant, and children who become drug addicts put their parents through unmitigated emotional and financial hell.


7. Cats don't expect you to buy them a car.


Not only will your cat never ask you to buy them a car -- or anything for that matter -- they fucking hate cars. Score.


8. Cats aren't going to embarrass you in the mall.


We've all had to bear unfortunate witness to someone's red-faced six year old pulling a shit fit at the Chanel counter while their mother is just trying to buy a bottle of overpriced anti-aging foundation to counteract the lines creeping up on her face; most likely the direct result of letting said shit-fitter exit her birth canal. Cats don't go to the mall. And when you do, they don't require a babysitter. 

     Chillaxin' while my Broke Ho is at the mall

9. Cats don't go to college.

Working three jobs to secure a college education for your ungrateful children is stressful. And after years of sacrificing luxury vehicles and vacations so you can diligently save your hard earned paycheck for little Johnny's law degree, there's no guarantee your kid isn't going to drop out of school and front a jam band. Of course, if your child has the decency to blow out before senior year, you should have some kind cash to play with. Even still, you can only hope it's enough to get you more than a shoddy, discount eye lift in Brazil. And let's be honest, going to Hedonism in Jamaica in your fifties is just fucking weird.



10. Cats won't blame you for their shitty life.

This may be the greatest advantage of all. At some point most people will hyper-analyzed their parents' child-rearing techniques in an attempt to justify why they're a fucking loser. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized how unfair this is, and just how lucky I am. Even though I've fed my cats 9 Lives during financial lows, yelled at them for clawing the shit out of my furniture, subjected them to loser boyfriends, had their balls surgically removed, and abandoned them to go on vacations -- they understand that I'm doing the best that I can. And to my credit, neither of them are in therapy.



Meow.

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