Saturday, June 29, 2013

Stop, Drop, and Blow: If You're Not Giving Head, Prepare to Get Dumped

I cannot stress enough the importance of blow jobs to the heterosexual female community. If you only do ONE thing right in your relationship, it should be giving head. Everything else is just filler material for when he talks about you to his mom. Obviously gushing about your porntastic skill set isn't something he can kick it with her about.

Whether you like them or loathe them, blow jobs in a relationship -- for the duration of the relationship -- are NON-negotiable. I understand that this idea may scare some women who think that they only have to put in a few solid months of oral to lock their man down; but my dear, sweet reader: if you want your man to stick around beyond your child's third birthday, stop rubbing rosemary and thyme on that dead chicken and start seasoning his pájaro with your mouth.

The alarming reality is that most women are dropping the ball everywhere. Even more alarming: they don't even have any idea that they are light years away from satisfying the required blow job quota. Unfortunately, this puts women in a very vulnerable position. Men are roving pigs by nature; there's no need to give them any ammunition to cheat. Trust me, if you want to avoid being in this vulnerable position, get in the only position that matters -- on your knees, bitch.

Truly comprehending a man's need for blow jobs comes with familiarizing yourself with the pathetic and unsophisticated reality of how these fuckers operate. Men have the memory of a goldfish: the castle is a surprise every time. Remember that mind-blowing oral you gave him last night that had you seriously contemplating a career with Vivid Video? Well he doesn't.

The only way he IS going to remember is when you actually do it again, and there's no time like the present. No really, go on -- I'll wait.

[time lapse]

See? That wasn't awful. Think of it as job security.

Every day I see women delude themselves into thinking they've secured their relationship with their domestic prowess. The only problem with this false sense of security is that vacuumed rugs, clean countertops, tailored pants, and steak dinners don't suck penises. If you want to guarantee that you'll be dying alone, throw 'letting yourself go' into the mix.

Let's review some statistics. The number of men who have looked past their partner's 50 pound weight gain in light of a bitchin' meatloaf recipe is a staggering 'zero.' Do yourself a favor and practice deep-throating zucchini. That's a meal he'll Yelp about.

A simple equation can help you calculate how close you are to a break-up or divorce. Grab a pen. Write down the date of the last time you went down on your man. Add 3 weeks to that. This date is when he's breaking up with you. If you're still together after this date it's because he's banging his secretary on his desk at work right_now.  He is literally fucking the picture of you and him in Barbados off of the table. I know, it sucks. But you're the one who chose to watch Real Housewives instead of being one.

While the woman in the above scenario is killing a bottle of Absolut and crying on the phone with her best friend, let's go over the Rule of Blow Jobs. This is an imperative tool for staying on top of your game. For every one blow job that you think is 'enough,' add three more. At least 20 percent of your free time should be spent giving head. If you don't feel as though you could hold a seminar on the artistry of blow jobs, or at least upload a shitty YouTube tutorial on giving oral using a giant GMO carrot as a prop, you're not sucking enough dick -- bottom line. You'll know if you're meeting your oral obligations when you start thinking about blow jobs as much as they do, whether you want to or not. When you start tossing around 'Fellationella' as a potential baby name, you'll know your head is in the right place. And that place is a centimeter away from your man's penis.

This may sound over-the-top, but don't underestimate the necessity of going down. Remember ladies: without blow jobs, 'pretty, funny, and smart' is just annoying.

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