Sunday, October 14, 2012

I Don't.

I am painfully tired of having to explain my stance on marriage to women who have been planning their weddings since they were five.  There are two sides to my own argument against it:  the practical ‘I’d rather bid on Michael Jackson memorabilia on eBay than buy a wedding dress’ side, and the ‘I haven’t spiritually plateaued enough to even consider legally binding myself to another human being’ side.  Listen ladies, this doesn’t mean that I hate you and your marriage.  Believe me, I’m far too self-absorbed to give a shit about how you choose to define your relationship, or which social models you use as a guide.  Marriage works for some people, and it certainly means different things to different people.  I get this. 

Furthermore, I am not unreasonable; I realize that not all marriages emanate from personal insecurity or social competition.  Of course those people who require this type of validation certainly exist.  They reveal themselves to me daily on my newsfeed via Facebook.  But overall, the idea of marriage isn’t really a bad thing. However, many of the executions I’ve witnessed -- both the weddings AND subsequent lifestyles -- are about as ridiculous as Michael Jackson recording 'Whatzupwitu' with Eddie Murphy and releasing a video for said 'banger'  featuring a parade of dancing elementary school boys amidst allegations of sexually abusing children.

Speaking only for myself, I can’t subscribe to something that I perceive to be both limiting and unnecessary.  Nor do I require justifying my emotions with legalities.  Better yet, I don’t force my ideas onto anyone else, or try to ‘convert’ marriage-seeking twenty-somethings sporting Vera Bradley bags who order skinny girl margaritas at bars in the hopes that the husband they haven’t met yet is going to buy their next one.  Realistically speaking, I can do everything you do in a marriage without the marriage. Well, except be gay.

Personally, I feel as though I have enough man-made bullshit to cater to, without throwing another complication in the mix.  As human beings entrenched in the third dimensional, highly physical world, we are constantly projecting physical attributes upon intangible concepts to make them palatable for us, i.e. ‘love.’  We’re uncomfortable with the abstract, and rely heavily on the forced physicalization of things we can’t wrap our head around otherwise, or successfully ‘own.’  Not to mention, life is cyclical; people grow and people CHANGE. It is inevitable. Much like a photograph, through marriage we try to capture the moment, the feeling, the emotion that we’re experiencing, and try to make it last forever. We spend less time actually enjoying people and more time figuring out how we can enslave them. We humans are such bastards.  

Doubtlessly, I’m not above consumerism. While you’re planning your $100,000 wedding, I’m closing out my 401K to bid on a piece of lint from one of Michael Jackson's socks. Clearly I'm not a beacon of fiscal savvy, but I’ve never understood the motivation behind all of these lavish weddings, much in the way I’ve never understood those over-the-top fundraisers where they target the wealthy to drop $10,000 on a table at an event where a percentage goes to said charity. Why don’t they just give all the money directly to the cause itself, if everyone’s being so damn philanthropic? Oh right, because people love to show off. 

Additionally, I’m far too flighty for marriage.  I can’t even commit to a gender. Hell, I can’t even commit to a deodorant. Don’t get me wrong, we all know marriage today is a big joke, and about as disposable as a used tampon, yet the implied permanence is rather alarming.  The way I see it, anyone who has ever meant anything to me, I’ve been married to.  My relationships are always intense.  I’m intense.  Is it necessary to get the court system involved?  If I’m dealing with the court, it better be because I’ve violated my probation again -- not because I’ve resigned my life to someone else. Yet every day, in a cubicle not so far away, lies a twenty-three year old -- fresh out the university -- who’s holding down an uninspiring 9-5, aggressively flipping through a 500 page Bride Today catalogue on her lunch break; completely undaunted by the fact that she doesn’t even have a boyfriend.

Lastly, the final reason I find marriage so utterly intolerable is because divorce is so damn expensive. As I write this, I can assure you I’m not at home burning my bra. Nor do I desire to throw a Molotov cocktail into your Japanese cross-over vehicle, or kidnap your children from their soccer practice and kill them. Ok, maybe I do a little.


A girl who believes that even if you’re cohabitating with the object of your desire, you should maintain separate rooms and separate beds.

Anticipate crowd response:

“Me and Jimmy have been married for three years, and we were only motivated by LOVE! And we didn’t spend anything close to $100,000 on our wedding. My hairdresser’s aunt’s dog hooked us up with the venue. Now we have two beautiful children who are probably going to fix the hole in the ozone layer.”

“You sound bitter. You probably can’t get a date.”

“Tax break.”

"You're a dick."


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