Monday, August 29, 2011
Due to the plethora of experience I have with dating losers, I felt obligated to write an abridged field guide. Though I'm 32 years old and my best decision-making days are behind me, I felt the least I could do is warn girls in their twenties of the perils that lie ahead. I remember composing a similar list when I was in my early twenties, keenly aware of the losers that abounded me. Unfortunately I paid no mind to my own advice, and here, ten years later, I am lost in regret. Take heed, young rellies.
1. Be forever weary/leary of the guy always dating broads ten years his junior. Sure, it may seem sophisticated and exciting to be dating an 'older' man now, especially in your early twenties, but remember this: men age like fine wine; women, like raisins; hence the booming medical cosmetic industry. Unless, of course, you're blessed with great genes, like me. But you're probably not. Most of you mutts these days look like you're 40 before you're 25. Hey - I blame the tanning industry and trans fats. So remember, ten years down the line with Sir Pedophelia -- if you even make it that long -- you're gonna get dropped like a hot flat iron. Then all of a sudden you're going to find yourself dating your peers, and with limited experience in the field ('I don't think you need Just For Men; your grays remind me of my daddy issues..') you're gonna be fucked. Do yourself a favor: spare yourself a whole bunch of psychological compromise, and avoid these creeps like the plague.
2. Date people who actually SHARE YOUR INTERESTS. You working a 9-5 as an office admin and him being in a band isn't a common denominator. It's a recipe for hurt, disaster, and a whole lot of expensive therapy that probably isn't covered by your health insurance. Sure, you may get a charge when 'your man' is on stage, but remember this: while you're nonchalantly sipping a vodka tonic at the back of the venue playing cool, he's banged more than half of the broads in the front row. You're not special, you're just dumb enough to offer him food and shelter while he screws everything with a pulse and a vag within a 3000 mile radius.
3. A wise woman (or gay man) once said: 'the last time a woman changed a man was when he was in diapers.' Truer words have never been said. Another cliche comes to mind: 'you can't teach an old dog new tricks.' Well girls, men are dogs, so do the math. The dude jerking off on your couch to HBO free-bees on On Demand while eating Cheetos and drinking Pabst, isn't gonna roll up on a white horse any time soon. He's not gonna start paying bills anytime soon, either. Run, Lola, RUN.
4. When the thought of introducing said subject to your parents inspires pangs of nausea and bouts of anxiety, move on. The 'officiality' of many of my relationships has been contingent upon my parents' death. This is never a good thing. All of a sudden you'll be 35 and your mother will be asking you if you're a lesbian over Yellow Tail Chardonnay. Avoid this awkward conversation by dating people you don't have to excuse to your immediate family. You haven't found an amazing man who is complex, complicated, and 'misunderstood.' You've found a fucking loser.
5. Never forget that you're the balls times three. If you're anything like me, a series of heartbreaks (though typically self-initiated -- hey, I don't get dumped) can be more than psychologically damaging. Sometimes we forget that we're actually better than the losers we loathe, but we mustn't forget. Remember, YOU have your shit together. YOU are smart. YOU have great taste in music. YOU can cook. YOU are funny. YOU have the thing between your legs that bleeds for 7 days, doesn't die, and drives men nuts. Use it to your advantage, and stop letting assholes take advantage of YOU.
Friday, August 19, 2011
It's not that people on Facebook are deliberately trying to drive you insane, it's just the nature of the beast. I realized this very recently. Ok, 5 minutes ago.
You go through a break-up, and all of a sudden 'everyone' goes from 'single' to 'in a relationship' to 'engaged' to 'married.' You have a miscarriage or an abortion, and you're inundated with pictures of people's babies drooling or videos of them speaking fluent Romanian at 3 months. Your cat dies, and someone else's is very much alive doing a calendar shoot.
It's designed to make you show off what you have, and want what you don't. It's the unintentional human Best In Show. Everyone is trying to make themselves appear greater than they are. The whole Check-in feature is 'proof positive' that you have a life!
Personally, I'm on Facebook to read myself talk. And that's because I'm a self-serving pseudo-narcissist trying desperately to make sense of the world through sarcasm and the degradation of others, typically to compensate for my own lack of self worth. Or at the very least, make someone laugh. And in a perfect Facebook, I'd probably have 27 friends. That's around the number of people whose status updates offer me some kind of entertainment value, other than direct ridicule. The latter opens up the pool.
People can't even tell the truth about why they're actually on Facebook.
'I use it to keep in touch with my cousins I don't see,'
'my brother updates my niece's pics on there all the time, so it's just easy to see her...'
'All my friends are on it.'
Hey, I'm guilty of this as well; but let me be the first to admit that I am on Facebook for three reasons:
1. To see how fat everyone from high school is now, how ugly their spouses are, and if their children have been affected. I want to know if you got that mole removed, if your husband is a closet homosexual, or if you're still not using mousse and/or multi-purpose styling creme despite your historically flat, lifeless hair. I don't know why I want to know these things, but I do. It's like watching an episode of Springer and knowing everyone on the panel personally. Who can refuse this?
2. To show all of my ex boyfriends that I'm still hot, and yes, you still miss me. Why? Because I'm funny, I can cook, and I keep a clean house. Plus, I'm a 'ride or die' type chick, and I make sure all of this info is visible on my profile if you look in the right places. This is certainly pathetic, but surprisingly effective in recruiting recyclables. For me, it's all about keeping my numbers low.
3. Fan mail is nothing short of an ego boost.
There. I said it. Enjoy your morning coffee.