Thursday, December 15, 2011

Year of the Dragon Resolutions

It's that time of year again. Time to start making lofty lists of things you probably won't accomplish in an effort to harness some kind of self-improvement in the face of one too many Lindor truffles. Since making lists of shit I will never do happens to be one of my guilty pleasures, here we go:

1. Stop giving complete assholes the time of day. No really, when the neighborhood junkie asks me if I know what time it is, I'm just going to keep walking.

2. Buy less wife beaters. Sometime in early October I realized I owned 9 of the same color pink Victoria's Secret beater. Like Steve Jobs, I have unconsciously created a uniform for myself. I spent 11 years in a uniform to satisfy the Archdiocese of Boston. This is either a symptom of PTSD, or sheer insanity. In any event, it must be stopped.

3. Love myself more than I love you, so I can eventually love you more than I love myself and I can practice loving me again next year. Hey, it's called 'anticipation.'

4. Go back to school for something that actually justifies the loans. Here's a hint for all of you recent high school grads: it's not English! But hell, if you decide to ignore this warning and commit yourself to 'your passion' as an undergrad, you better learn how to make a damn good martini. Oh, and bankruptcy doesn't get rid of your loans, just the flatscreen you charged in 2001.

5. Get Zuki down to twenty pounds.

6. Continue not penciling in my eyebrows. Doing the aforementioned is false advertising - no better than a padded bra - but you'd be amazed by the amount of social pressure and actual recommendations to do so by people I don't even know. Refuse and resist.

7. Figure out the difference between Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez.

8. Fix the Kanji symbol on my back that I was led to believe means 'the bull' (astrological reference) but probably means 'stupid round eye.'  I plan on 'feminizing' it with random peach blossoms since the options for artistic repair on this permanent aesthetic tragedy are fairly limited.

9. Finish my memoir, Growing Up Stuck: A Pit bull Ate My Panties and Other Tales

10. Avoid death via apocalypse at all costs.