Monday, August 29, 2011
Drop the Zero and Get with a Hero. Even if it's Yourself.
Due to the plethora of experience I have with dating losers, I felt obligated to write an abridged field guide. Though I'm 32 years old and my best decision-making days are behind me, I felt the least I could do is warn girls in their twenties of the perils that lie ahead. I remember composing a similar list when I was in my early twenties, keenly aware of the losers that abounded me. Unfortunately I paid no mind to my own advice, and here, ten years later, I am lost in regret. Take heed, young rellies.
1. Be forever weary/leary of the guy always dating broads ten years his junior. Sure, it may seem sophisticated and exciting to be dating an 'older' man now, especially in your early twenties, but remember this: men age like fine wine; women, like raisins; hence the booming medical cosmetic industry. Unless, of course, you're blessed with great genes, like me. But you're probably not. Most of you mutts these days look like you're 40 before you're 25. Hey - I blame the tanning industry and trans fats. So remember, ten years down the line with Sir Pedophelia -- if you even make it that long -- you're gonna get dropped like a hot flat iron. Then all of a sudden you're going to find yourself dating your peers, and with limited experience in the field ('I don't think you need Just For Men; your grays remind me of my daddy issues..') you're gonna be fucked. Do yourself a favor: spare yourself a whole bunch of psychological compromise, and avoid these creeps like the plague.
2. Date people who actually SHARE YOUR INTERESTS. You working a 9-5 as an office admin and him being in a band isn't a common denominator. It's a recipe for hurt, disaster, and a whole lot of expensive therapy that probably isn't covered by your health insurance. Sure, you may get a charge when 'your man' is on stage, but remember this: while you're nonchalantly sipping a vodka tonic at the back of the venue playing cool, he's banged more than half of the broads in the front row. You're not special, you're just dumb enough to offer him food and shelter while he screws everything with a pulse and a vag within a 3000 mile radius.
3. A wise woman (or gay man) once said: 'the last time a woman changed a man was when he was in diapers.' Truer words have never been said. Another cliche comes to mind: 'you can't teach an old dog new tricks.' Well girls, men are dogs, so do the math. The dude jerking off on your couch to HBO free-bees on On Demand while eating Cheetos and drinking Pabst, isn't gonna roll up on a white horse any time soon. He's not gonna start paying bills anytime soon, either. Run, Lola, RUN.
4. When the thought of introducing said subject to your parents inspires pangs of nausea and bouts of anxiety, move on. The 'officiality' of many of my relationships has been contingent upon my parents' death. This is never a good thing. All of a sudden you'll be 35 and your mother will be asking you if you're a lesbian over Yellow Tail Chardonnay. Avoid this awkward conversation by dating people you don't have to excuse to your immediate family. You haven't found an amazing man who is complex, complicated, and 'misunderstood.' You've found a fucking loser.
5. Never forget that you're the balls times three. If you're anything like me, a series of heartbreaks (though typically self-initiated -- hey, I don't get dumped) can be more than psychologically damaging. Sometimes we forget that we're actually better than the losers we loathe, but we mustn't forget. Remember, YOU have your shit together. YOU are smart. YOU have great taste in music. YOU can cook. YOU are funny. YOU have the thing between your legs that bleeds for 7 days, doesn't die, and drives men nuts. Use it to your advantage, and stop letting assholes take advantage of YOU.