Friday, August 19, 2011
Dear FB, is there an emoticon for 'loathe'?
It's not that people on Facebook are deliberately trying to drive you insane, it's just the nature of the beast. I realized this very recently. Ok, 5 minutes ago.
You go through a break-up, and all of a sudden 'everyone' goes from 'single' to 'in a relationship' to 'engaged' to 'married.' You have a miscarriage or an abortion, and you're inundated with pictures of people's babies drooling or videos of them speaking fluent Romanian at 3 months. Your cat dies, and someone else's is very much alive doing a calendar shoot.
It's designed to make you show off what you have, and want what you don't. It's the unintentional human Best In Show. Everyone is trying to make themselves appear greater than they are. The whole Check-in feature is 'proof positive' that you have a life!
Personally, I'm on Facebook to read myself talk. And that's because I'm a self-serving pseudo-narcissist trying desperately to make sense of the world through sarcasm and the degradation of others, typically to compensate for my own lack of self worth. Or at the very least, make someone laugh. And in a perfect Facebook, I'd probably have 27 friends. That's around the number of people whose status updates offer me some kind of entertainment value, other than direct ridicule. The latter opens up the pool.
People can't even tell the truth about why they're actually on Facebook.
'I use it to keep in touch with my cousins I don't see,'
'my brother updates my niece's pics on there all the time, so it's just easy to see her...'
'All my friends are on it.'
Hey, I'm guilty of this as well; but let me be the first to admit that I am on Facebook for three reasons:
1. To see how fat everyone from high school is now, how ugly their spouses are, and if their children have been affected. I want to know if you got that mole removed, if your husband is a closet homosexual, or if you're still not using mousse and/or multi-purpose styling creme despite your historically flat, lifeless hair. I don't know why I want to know these things, but I do. It's like watching an episode of Springer and knowing everyone on the panel personally. Who can refuse this?
2. To show all of my ex boyfriends that I'm still hot, and yes, you still miss me. Why? Because I'm funny, I can cook, and I keep a clean house. Plus, I'm a 'ride or die' type chick, and I make sure all of this info is visible on my profile if you look in the right places. This is certainly pathetic, but surprisingly effective in recruiting recyclables. For me, it's all about keeping my numbers low.
3. Fan mail is nothing short of an ego boost.
There. I said it. Enjoy your morning coffee.